i wrote this 3 months ago. It’s been a couple of busy months and I’m finally ready to share!
It’s been a whole year (Or more – oops!) since I last shared a blog post on here. I’m literally nervous as I’m writing this because so much has happened in the past year that have shaped my course in life that I don’t even know where to begin. I have been blessed with so much that I live in a constant state of gratitude, even when some days I feel the world working against me. It doesn’t.
In the past year, I graduated from the University of North Carolina, lived in France to work and learn from the amazing Rosina Jimenez at her audio-visual company Rosina Production, traveled to Miami to intern, moved to North Carolina for my first “real” big girl job and lived with my sister, and then started a new job in Miami at an amazing fashion business started and ran by two great, smart and loving women. In between these moves and experiences, I’ve been blessed to establish meaningful relationships with people I’ve never met, to reconnect with long-distance family members that have been a source of positivity and love, to learn that it’s ok to make mistakes, to travel to continents and cities I’d fall in love with, and to open myself up for the many opportunities the universe provides me.
This all sounds wonderful – and truly, it was – but I’m here to say that nothing is perfect and that I, in no shape or form, will ever experience life in a perfect form. Shit does happen, and it’ll make us feel, well, shitty, even when you’re a true optimistic person. During the past year I’ve experienced an overall sense of immense happiness but also an air of worry and anxiety that I have never felt before. I, the happy go-getter turned into a grey cloud ready to storm even though to be happy we simply do our best and decide to be. Because I know this, I attribute the “negative” feelings that overcame me to my constant need to follow a certain path or plan without room for mistakes.
Let me explain – I have always been tough on myself when it comes to my career , my independence and my ambition to do and be good. Success has always been important for me because I felt I was given a unique opportunity to move to the United States from Venezuela, receive an American education, learn and explore new cities and lean on countless amount of support from family and friends. I felt selfish not to take these full-on. When I first moved to the U.S. I was in denial of my life here until I had a sneak-peak on the life I could build for myself. I remember my first visit to NYC so perfectly, and even wrote about it two years ago, because I had sense of belonging and opportunity I’d never felt before and knew could not pass along. At the time I was 11 years old but my inner wisdom knew of the same sense of opportunity that still lives within me.
Then there’s the independence thing. I have always been extremely independent because I felt it weak to not be able to handle everything on my own. I experienced a co-dependence episode at young age that taught me to look out for myself and stand on my own feet. This is great until you start thinking it’s you vs. the world. DUH. And, well, I have always wanted to do good and be good to others because I genuinely care about supporting the universe as a whole and about people’s emotions. We are one – literally. However, in the quest to do it all, smile through it all and giving it my all, I lost a bit of myself.
Worry, anxiety and feelings of defeat – all ego-centered – knocked at my door. JK. Slammed open the door to my heart to tell me “Hi there! We got you! You actually can’t be and do everything on your own while making everyone happy.” That’s right. I wanted everything to go my way even when perhaps my way wasn’t the way the Universe was presenting me with. I had a vision of how my post-graduate life would go and nothing could differ me from it because then I wasn’t doing things right. But in reality, because I was trying so hard to do things “right” I let opportunities that could enhance me as a person and as a human go. Now I understand there’s a season for everything, and that I needed those moments to grow. But at the moment and with a blurred mind it felt so defeating because I battled thoughts of “shit what am I doing?” vs. feelings of “it’s ok – shit happens.” I blamed myself and my plan for not being good enough to get what I wanted when I wanted, for not being good enough to please my boss or people who cared about me..blah blah blah. You get it – it’s exhausting, and a nasty cycle that is difficult to break without the right awareness.
What’s funny about all of this is that I was the one putting pressure, blame and feelings of doubt on myself. At least not permanently or personally. It was internal not external because we have the freedom to change our circumstances or course when it doesn’t feel right at the core. And blaming oneself for uncontrollable situations whether they produce good or negative outcomes isn’t doing good to yourself, it’s hurting yourself. Thankfully, I soon I realized that the problem wasn’t my plan or my decision-making but it was the expectation that I needed to kick-start a perfect career path, have a great work/life, get fit, travel a ton, meet new people and smile through it all while pleasing not only myself but people around me, even when their intentions were and are still good.
I understand now that I didn’t make “mistakes.” I experienced changes that I wasn’t totally ready for but that now make sense! The amazing thing is that now I do feel super accomplished and thankful because I’ve learned so much about work that I love in my wavy, ever flowing path and I have traveled and I have great people surrounding me, and experienced an amazing life.
So anyways. A whirlwind of months and tears later I’ve learned to find my breath and love the imperfections along with the bumps I find along the path. To thank God because everything that we go through grows you. To give without expecting. To care without taking things personally. To do what’s honest to my core without disappointing anyone. To embrace uncertainty. And to just be. I thank God, my family and friends and myself for the the eye-opening. Because through the madness and disappointments I felt the presence of a loving God whose grace I am in awe and in gratitude of and kept me grounded, the love and support of family and friends who expect nothing but a sweet friendship, and my inner wisdom who is smart enough to ground me when needed.
I have my goals and hopes and I’m still working on them, more motivated than ever, with the reminder that we can accomplish what we set our minds to when we pay attention to the opportunities and tools around us even when we think they’re not there! The Universe is that GREAT.
I tell those of you who care to read this story because I feel so thankful I can make the right changes in my life at a young age to accept that our happiness and worth doesn’t come from external successes but our decisions to live Loved and rely on God and on loving people in our lives.